she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
i need to get drunk because i'm an angry sober
Randomize
