Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
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