he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
