I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
