Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
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