i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
I have a guy for practically everything... except for making me waffles on demand. will u be my waffle guy?
We were fucking in the bedroom then we heard Sports center on in the living room. He stopped midfuck when I started celebrating that my team won over his
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
