She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
You went to the animal party as a hoodrat. You won the most creative costume contest.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
FACT: You were laying down on top the bar letting randoms do bodyshots off you until someone told theyre friend "its time to roll, i wanna hit another bar" and you literally rolled your self right off the bar. have fun explaining your bruises tomorrow
Randomize
