Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
