Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Woke up backwards on a recliner
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
