here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
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