Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Damn that brownie almost kicked my ass. I'm not sure if my flight home lasted 10 minutes or 10 days..
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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