I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I like literally had a visual image of his penis going into your soul
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Randomize
