i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Somebody found our where I was and called the bar looking for me. When the bartender called my name I finished my beer and took off like a fugitive.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Is a swingers hotel appropriate for an anniversary?
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Randomize
