I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
It's become almost a Pavlovian response. The sound of the vacuum being run by hubby causes an instantaneous involuntary orgasm.
Randomize
