new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
like he said he was barking at you while cumming in your face
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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