Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
there are certain things about getting into a cab to go home at 630 am that make me feel like a prostitute.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Randomize
