I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize