Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
we went through the mcdonalds drive through and you asked for a free sample of their fries to see how you liked them.
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
