When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
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