why am i having a flashback about somewhere we were this weekend with music videos playing? Spike jonze brothers place?? Help me out
when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize