I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
That seems dangerous to buy acid from a stranger on craigslist
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
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