...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
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