You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I probably should have waited until after the game to pity fuck him. You know, seeing as we lost.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
You're like the Miss Manners of anonymous gay sex.
Good morning! Or after noon. Sorry for falling asleep in you
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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