I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I just drunkenly signed my mortgage application...
Is this how the global financial crisis happened?
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