Ha. No worries! So loud here &god I love drag queens! How does it happen, the congealing?
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
Randomize
