Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
So he asked me last night if I would cheer him on while he masturbated...
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I am the only person I know ever to have been brought TO the bar in the back of a cop a car. Twice.
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
