Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Wesley from the Princess Bride. I kept telling him what I wanted him to do and all he would say was "as you wish"
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
Randomize
