he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Randomize
