Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I made a bong out of my deodorant today. Did you?
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
