everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
I had a date last night. His dog threw up in his bed while we were having sex in it.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
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