took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
Randomize
