Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I really don’t want to have kids.
I thought we agreed we were done with dirty talk for the day
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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