I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
Just saw the hottest 4 garbage men ever. They should make a calendar
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Only you would make Mario Party a contact sport.
And you owe me a new pair of switch controllers.
Randomize