i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
