Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
Would it be in bad taste to ask Marky Mark to sign the vibrator I named after him?
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
i feel like im paying for every hangover i didnt experience last year as a freshman. thank you sophomore year.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
