Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
He has a bed frame and a headboard.... That match his dresser and nightstand...
Hahah. That's good.
I feel like you don't understand the severity with which this weirds me out...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
the worst part about living alone is not having other peoples snacks to mooch off of when you havent gone grocery shopping in three weeks. i'm so pms-y i'm about to eat a soy sauce packet
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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