and my herpes radar will keep us safe
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.
Best Friends For Life.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
We made out and he didn't grope me. I liked it. I felt like I was innocent again.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
