It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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