Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
i've come to the conclusion that there is no classy way to apply chloroseptic spray to your butthole.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
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