I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
Met the five year old's gym teacher for next year. He is an old drinking buddy and I used to fuck his older brother. It was like a walk of shame 20 years late.
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize