So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
Water park on acid. THIS NEEDS TO HAPPEN!!
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Randomize
