I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Never should have deleted her from my facebook. My new girl is so much hotter than she is, I just want to passive aggressively rub it in her face
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I like the new guy, he keeps beer in the fridge.
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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