I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
