Is it necrophilia if we're both dead?
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
it got awkward when the only couple not hooking up was just watching..
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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