I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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