If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
