so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I think I'll bring the beer we scavenged from that other party. What goes around comes around, especially when it's Corona because that shit is not staying in my fridge
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Lets just say the phase, What a dick, has a whole new meaning at the urinals.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
