he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
Randomize
