i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Randomize
