Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I'm going to a one year olds birthday party to smoke weed. What has my life become.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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