Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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