i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I'm more concerned about the fact that I can't feel my gums
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill
omg. that's awesome
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
GET ME OUT OF HERE THE DOCTOR KNOWS HE IS JUDGING ME I DEMAND A PRISON BREAK
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Randomize
