All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
My apartment stinks of burning failure
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