I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Randomize
