Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Why is your signature on my underwear?
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
