i keep telling myself in the mirror "get undrunk"
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
he needs a life. he was like frothing at the mouth to cockblock you
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
I can't believe I'm giving you play by plays of this sexting convo. It's like a three way he doesn't know about.
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
ED guy's penis finally worked last night. It was a Festivus miracle!
when you wake up naked in a bed with glowsticks, a rolled ankle, a hangover, and a condom; alone. you wonder shit
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
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