If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I love having hate sex.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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