So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Yo making cake in the shape of a penis is no easy feat
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Girl, he's like catnip for my pussy.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
