My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
Randomize
