If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
