im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
AND I JUST GOT FUCKING DAUGHTER ZONED. NO. I'M DONE. I HATE BOYS. ASEXUALITY HERE I COME.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
Randomize
